Mendacity And Euphemisms

Still busy - but again I just could not let this one pass:

Bailed-out firms rename their cash bonuses as ‘retention awards’

The Huffington Post reports that bailed-out financial firms Morgan Stanley and Citigroup’s Smith Barney — which will soon merge — plan to reward their financial advisers with “very generous” cash bonuses. During an internal conference call last week, advisers were warned not to call the awards bonuses because it would cause a PR headache:

“There will be a retention award. Please do not call it a bonus,” said James Gorman, co-president of Morgan Stanley. “It is not a bonus. It is an award. And it recognizes the importance of keeping our team in place as we go through this integration.”

Gorman said that the payments would be “based on performance numbers from 2008 instead of 2009,” which “virtually guarantees an increase in the size of the awards.” On the call, Gorman said that the advisers should be “clapping” at the “very generous and thoughtful” announcement. Listen to the audio here.

Ah, those mendacious, hypocritical incompetents and their vain attempts at redefining reality to cover/justify their incompetence ...

So now, bonuses are retention awards, eh?

Well, here are more quaint corporate/political euphemisms, just from the top off my head:

- compensation (i.e. bonus, i.e. "retention award"; for CEOs only, of course);
- salary (i.e. whatever cheap/exploitative pittance deemed fit to give to employees);
- severance package (i.e. same as "retention award" but, you know, for resigning or being kicked out - for CEOs only, of course);
- downsizing (i.e. layoffs);
- restructuring (i.e. moving overseas for much cheaper labor; inevitably involves "downsizing" at home);
- multi-tasking (i.e. overworking/exploiting employees);
- human resources (i.e. employees to be regarded/considered as "things");
- working retreat (i.e. paid holiday in a lavish and expensive resort);
- merger (i.e. hostile takeover with selling of bought assets and "downsizing"; sometimes used as an excuse for "restructuring");
- rescue (i.e. taxpayer monies to be used as any other capital to do whatever you want with);
- enhanced interrogation (i.e. torture);
- police action (i.e. war of choice);
- regulation (i.e. any sensible law deemed annoying by corporations);
- deregulation (i.e. removing any sensible law deemed annoying by corporations);
- free market (i.e. corporatism/corporacy rules; usually used as sweeping excuse to justify "deregulations");
- energy independence (i.e. drill baby drill, for oil, and dig baby dig, for coal and/or gas);
- clean coal (i.e. just plain "coal");
- surge (i.e. finally sending more soldiers as ought to have been done initially);
- clear skies/clean air/clean water (i.e. "deregulating" pollution laws to the point of near-non-existence);
- terminate with extreme prejudice (i.e. assassinate).

Again - that's just from the top off my head (if you folks have more, post them in the comments below - if enough are added, I will make an additional post to list them with proper credits).

Here's three more euphemisms that I just made up and which are quite à propos for the current subject matter:

- statement repositioning (i.e. coming up with any self-serving, incompetence-justifying, mendacious euphemism bullshit);

- counterpositioning (i.e. calling bullshit when served and holding bullshiters accountable);

- performance recalibration (i.e. firing the sorry ass of any incompetent without any "severance package").

And so the continuing blackmail con game goes ...